When I first attempted to write a first draft of this post, I discovered that uncomfortable feeling of mild panic. What do I write? My deadline was approaching and everything I had tried thus far was unacceptable, either on the grounds of content or of timing. At the same time, I was aware that this panic was triggering certain other feelings which were acting as positive feedback, thus enhancing the problem I faced. The only good thing about this script was that, having written the first paragraph, I had made a start on something that might eventually be acceptable.
When I first began Gwynt, I was determined to post every Saturday. There have been three occasions when I have posted on other days, for reasons that I felt justified their inclusion. Those reasons still hold, but I have still maintained my Saturday deadline for all other posts. My reason for this is quite simple. It enforces a necessary discipline in my life, without which I would quickly become uncomfortable, and maybe lax. That laxity would in turn lead to wandering along unnecessary and unproductive paths. It appears that when I need to deal with spiritual matters, and particularly those which reduce the importance of my ego, that self-same ego fights to turn my energies into the frittering of time and resources on other activities. That is unacceptable. However, wisdom dictates that I must allow some slack in the system to allow space for those spontaneous insights that erupt from beyond consciousness from time to time.
To turn to another matter, I have to say that I do not enjoy being vulnerable, but it is a necessary condition so long as I continue to write about the subjects I discuss here. I feel passionately about the issues I raise, and sometimes that extra yard of vulnerability can seem to be too much, too unsafe. Yet I cannot cover myself with protective plating. There would come a time when I would be carrying so much psycho-spiritual armour plating that I would be unable to move. And still there would remain a few chinks where I was vulnerable to a damaging thrust. I know, I have been there. My preference, therefore, is to play the role of the atom being subjected to the incoming attack by a neutrino, anthropomorphically speaking. Now as everyone knows, neutrinos are very tiny subatomic particles, and atoms behave as if they are almost entirely pure space. There is, therefore, a very high probability that the neutrino will pass through the atom without touching anything, or even noticing the atom is there. This is my preferred stance, even if it isn't perfectly safe. In any case armour plating is what one Has, vulnerability refers to a state of Being, the latter being preferable to the former.
Part of my vulnerability is allied to my choice of subject rather than the depth to which I probe and how much I reveal. This is compounded by the language I choose to use, often because I can find no meaningful alternatives. Let me try to deal with this latter point first. I know that people can be put off by such words as God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, spirituality, ego, lower self, higher self, esoteric, occult, alcoholic, narcotic, codependency, and a wide range of other scientific, religious and psychological terminology. And there is one other word that is so personal to me, and that is the recently introduced 'Druid'. This image has been my constant companion in my inner world, just as the Inner Christ image has been for many a Christian. But what can I do? I have no other language that remotely answers my needs. Yet I feel I continually run the risk of glazing peoples' eyes over by the mere mention of those previously cited words. And the real rub is that I'm not completely comfortable with most of those words either. I know that what I write about is specialist stuff, but it's such fun; it really is. All inner discoveries and the journey towards Truth, whether it be called God, the Kingdom of Heaven, the Ultimate, or whatever expression is your particular, chosen synonym, are worth the effort.
Quote from "The Red Book":
"My speech is imperfect. Not because I want to shine with words, but out of the impossibility of finding those words, I speak in images. With nothing else can I express the words from the depths."
Until I committed myself to this great inner experiment and its resulting experience, until I began to try to understand my inner imagery, it was as if I had been two-dimensional. That inner experience supplies the third dimension. The dimension of time doesn't really enter into the scheme of things. Something akin to a kind of eternal now, with lapses into time for the sake of convenience, is the usual way that my inner life operates. And this causes me no problems because no words are involved. It is only when one tries to verbalise the experience that problems arise. It is then, perhaps more than at any other time, that I become acutely aware of my 'alone-ness'; not loneliness, never that. By extension, of course all people are in the same condition of alone-ness. When one adds to that the fact that everything we experience in the outer world, from the mind outwards, is our minds' interpretation of incoming data from our senses, thoughts and emotions, one begins to get some inkling of the extent of our condition. We can no more directly sense the world around us than we can look directly at the studio or film set from which our entertainment comes. Safety seems to lie in words, and our commitment, even addiction perhaps, to the use of certain words or particular sets of words. But that safety is an illusion, and all too often words isolate rather than unite.
The second point I raised earlier, namely the choice of subject about which to write can be difficult to decide on. This difficulty arises in part because I do not work through my material in a particular time-wise fashion. There are reasons why I work in this manner, any difficulty arising being offset by the acquired gains. Sometimes it means that before I can introduce one subject, another preparatory subject must be dealt with. It is similar to the mathematical process that, one cannot try to prove a concept which uses inputs which have not themselves been previously proved. Of course proof is not a requirement here. However, meditational data and realisations honestly arrived at are, for me, a prime requirement. The sources from which I draw some inspiration will include religion, with all its shortcomings, Christian theology, the Mystical Qabalah, Twelve Step Programmes, the Bible, and in fact any source that seems to offer a way to the Truth. Nothing is exempt, although inevitably I will choose from sources with which I am most familiar. One of my most important sources of data is the inner journey I psychologically travelled, almost exclusively dealing with my childhood, in the company of my Inner Druid. I cannot, in honesty, call her anything else. I will not deny her by even trying to call her something else. I can only say that this is who I am; this is where I'm coming from.
Finally, a calm has descended and I sense a small crisis has passed, so perhaps this is the right script to post. It is always my intent to listen for that small, inner voice that decides my next step. Of course I don't always listen hard enough and so I don't always hear. Maybe on this occasion I've heard aright.