It was the early hours of Friday-night/Saturday-morning. My worlds, both inner and outer, lay in darkness; I was troubled. I had been considering a response to comments made about my two previous posts, "A Different Nativity," and "The Nativity Revisited." Something occurred which I do not feel I am free to discuss. Yet as a result of that occurrence, I will make good on my word and respond to those comments on my earlier posts, but now from a different perspective. I have chosen to post my response, rather than commit it to a comment box, firstly for reasons of space, and secondly because I want a more easily accessible reminder of that night-time experience.
Let me begin with the feelings of terror that I felt when I leant over the manger-crib. Such an emotional response can be felt only by the ego, as was the subsequent 'flee' reaction. As has happened before in my experience, some overwhelming force seems to have seeped down from some higher psycho-spiritual level into my ego-consciousness. Put another way, my meditation had been taken over for other purposes. But why should I have felt that way in the first place? This experience was ostensibly about the nativity of the Christ child, an event which should, perhaps, have triggered a very different response. From my present perspective, I can conclude only that this was not about the Christ's birth but about some other birth, one which was taking place, or about to take place, within me. Thus events were occurring on two levels, the conscious and sub/unconscious levels. The sense of the presence of evil was, it seems, a reaction to an ego-life threat.
Now I am not saying that evil is not a potent force in its own right, only that in this instance the presence of an unnerving force was probably misinterpreted. It must be remembered here that a number of psychological events appeared to be happening either simultaneously, or over a very period of time, as measured by the outer world. Everything in my inner world was in a constant state of fluidity, of ebb and flow; a process of becoming at its most obvious. Whilst recognising, correctly, the need to go beyond the limiting rim of logic, reason and rationality, with all its fearful associations, other matters were intruding and requiring resolution. The intuitive function is part of my personality structure. Whilst being underused, perhaps, it would seem strange that I was not exercising that function at least to some significant degree. Something else was intruding into my inner world. At the time, the feeling of evil could not be discounted. It was only later, as seen from a new perspective, that the apparent paradox that I had encountered was resolved.
One matter that required resolution was the question of pairings, or dualities. That was firmly fixed in my consciousness at the time and needed to be circumvented in some way. It seemed, and continues thus, that one side of a duality does not generate its opposite. Thus life does not generate death, nor good generate evil. Both sides of a pairing emerge simultaneously. If I pick up a sheet of paper, I hold in my hands, simultaneously, two sides of that one sheet. One cannot exist without the other, whatever state they may be in.
It is not necessary that I know or understand my inner world; it is only necessary that as far as is possible I consciously experience it. Truth is experiential and not acquired from the written word. The word, or logos, is a pointer or preparatory stage toward experience. From my, admittedly limited, studies of Gnosticism and Jungian Gnosticism in particular, I discovered that my inner experiences have been shared by others, and that those experiences could be seen to make some kind of sense. This I find exciting, just as I gain similar excitement from the possible, future study of 'heretical' Gnostic gospels. But in my post, "On the Shores of Galilee," I was very clearly told that the way followed by Jesus was his way, it was not mine. Jung had a similar experience with the addition that he could learn nothing from the Christ. Again, it is down to personal experience. Having decided to heed the Christ message, and find my own way, I have no intention of following someone else's way - if that were truly possible - whether that person be a Jung or some other Gnostic.
Somehow, and in a manner I am unable to describe, my consciousness was cleared and made straight; mountains were made low, and I was ready for my own inner nativity. Each time I make significant progress on my way, it is like coming once more to the starting gate that stands on the path to which many are called, but few there are that find it. I claim no superior rights here, but I do thank, from the bottom of my soul, that in approaching the rim of logic, reason and rationality, I was not required to step out into that terrifying Darkness. My commitment to this way was made long ago. And so it was that I was taken and placed in a new position. Was I afraid? You bet I was!
All my questions dissolved. All my knowledge disappeared. In the end I realised that Gnosis is paired with Not-knowing in simultaneity. In the stillness, that darkest part of the night, I came to a place that might, in the end, be home. And I must at this point thank those whose comments, both public, and expressed in private communication, have brought me to this point in my life.