Sunday, 1 February 2015

Towards Atonement and Resolution

          The deeper I move into this stock-taking exercise the more difficult it becomes and, I have to say, the more self-conscious I am becoming. Yet as I continue to probe the possibility that my experiences of life may fit into the psycho-spiritual format of the life of the Christ as lived through the life of Jesus of Nazareth, the more I see significant points of agreement. What this means, or so it seems to me, is that the Christ path, rather than the historical Jesus path, is one which is open to everyone under some guise or other. An adherence to any particular religion or spiritual philosophy is not a requirement.
          Now it seems to me that in every beginning there are the remnants of a previous ending, even if those remnants have slipped below the consciousness threshold. Similarly, in every ending there are the, as yet, unrealised seeds of a new beginning. The various steps I have taken have thus become perhaps inevitable once the first step was taken. To an observer on the outside, it might seem that I have taken discrete steps which can be related to the various initiatory experiences of the Christological format. In reality it has seemed that one experience has flowed smoothly into the next, with the ever-present possibility of a revisiting of earlier steps in something resembling a cyclical mode of being.
          Of course my inner journey has had parallels with my outer journey through my physical life. That must necessarily be so because this whole life experience is one which reflects the ongoing relationship between my lower self or ego, and my Higher Self. From the time of my first, genuine spiritual awakening through the experience of inner baptism and on to the aloneness (or should that really be loneliness?) of the battle not to return to a life lived under the dominion of my ego, a change has taken place in that inner relationship. The recognition of an inner initiation has been always to see that a process has been under way, that a level of achievement has been reached, before that recognition was possible. My journey has direction, which tallies significantly with that of "Jesus the Christ", but also has depth and duration which probably fall far short of my chosen exemplar.
          The next stage of this process is that called, "The Transfiguration." And here lies the source of my difficulty. With all the previous stages of experience I have been looking back and have seen relative completions. Now, I cannot see any sense of completion, or even a sense of a beginning. Perhaps there are the remnants of my ongoing battle with my persistent ego, and that being the case, I can now see where I am on my journey, somewhere between the "Temptations" and the "Transfiguration" stages. That knowledge is valuable because it shows me which psycho-spiritual wheels I no longer need re-invent. Until now a lack of that knowledge has caused me more than a little indecision and confusion.
          So how has this relationship between my ego and my Higher Self developed? In the beginning came a realisation that I had an ego, something I could not see because I was always too closely identified with it. That identification was often betrayed by the use of language which said, "I am.....angry, happy, miserable...." or whatever, rather than "I am feeling.....anger, happiness, misery...." The usage may be subtly different, but the differences are telling. The simple truth is, in my experience, that I am most certainly not my feelings, my thoughts or my body senses, but something beyond my ego. Willingly would I give up any associations with my ego, if that were possible. Following that recognition, and washing away the denial that had accompanied the earlier identification with my ego and its control, came the inevitable questions about what I should do with this arrogant tempter. As I could not be rid of it, perhaps it could achieve atonement (or at-one-ment) with my Higher Self.
          How poor is the symbolism of the written and spoken language when attempting to express these inner experiences. I cannot describe the lostness that I feel, which nevertheless seems to have a sense of direction. Or is that merely anticlimax? I cannot describe this sense of in-between-ness that is push-pulling me to I-am-not-sure-where-ness. Perhaps this means that my stock-taking exercise is complete....for now.
          Is there anything else that I can now do to further the process of becoming, a process that is the way of being of my life? Frankly, I do not know. I do know that I must continue with these writings, for whatever reasons that I cannot clearly understand. Yet every now and then, there comes a small intimation, a brief glimpse of something beyond, a light upon the mountain. And therein lies the hope of a final resolution to a life of seeking.

10 comments:

  1. It seems to me that this exercise you've undertaken is a form of psychological therapy, one that is self-driven and self-directed (which is, in my opinion, the most useful and permanently beneficial). In my experience with therapy sessions under the guidance of professionals, I do reach a point where I have to take a break from the work being done, to assimilate the results, test the validity of my findings and just live with myself - the freshly enlightened self - before I can go any further. Maybe these breaks are the brain's way of signaling it is reaching overload and needs to back off.

    I have to ask - what do you think will happen when you attain the state you are seeking?

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    1. Hullo Martha; You make an interesting point, and not one that had occurred to me. Maybe now is a chance to slip into ambling mode.

      As to your question, which echoes what Lucy asked me whilst we were out walking this afternoon, I suppose the final state of psycho-spiritual death and resurrection - which I shall presumably reach whether I seek it or not - will be during the event of my physical death. In which case I think cremation is what will happen. Perhaps that's a good reason for not hurrying the process of transfiguration on too quickly.

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  2. Tom, I think that the following quote is very relevant to this post:
    http://www.deeshan.com/krishnamurti.htm

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    1. Dear Natalie; I have bookmarked this passage and will return to it again. There is much there on which to meditate. My thanks.

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  3. Tom, I haven't had a mind all that long but it seems to seek ever-expanding reaches of organization and make a cosmos of it. Astronomers,poets and psychologists alike use cosmos in reference to the portion of the universe we understand --consult Walt Whitman, who considered everybody a cosmos. We're dealing with a process that never keeps still, so when you write, "Now it seems to me that in every beginning there are the remnants of a previous ending," you pretty much nail it. Ego can't be treated like a thing, it's an ongoing series of events --every definition of it has a remainder.

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    1. Geo; There are times when I cannot see the wood for the trees, and the final part of your comment reminds me of that. You are, I believe, quite correct in your conclusion that "ego can't be treated like a thing, it's an ongoing series of events." I think I have now reached a stage where I need to sit back and stop pushing. I need to let the dust settle, but I am so afraid of forgetting.

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  4. Hi Tom
    Psychologically, maybe we might experience the uplifting process you have kindly shared with us in many different ways whilst theologically, as you say, its end result lies in its redemptive aspects to sanctify a more unified future life ahead. But there is a third aspect, namely how might this all be physically translated within our life energy that makes up our consciousness. In that respect maybe the underlying neural process will always be the same, but our reaction will be as different as we are unique human beings. Now that seems to me to be material for another post, should it be of interest..
    And to attempt to answer your question, I can offer no wisdom other than to say what mighr be considered rather obvious now that the seed is fully embedded, so it will grow, to mean you don’t have to do anything other than to continue to listen to your inner self as you do.
    Best wishes

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    1. Hi Lindsay; There is much that I need to let simmer and mature within. I must allow things to take their natural course, and refrain from trying to interfere. Although it was a long time ago that I committed myself to this way of life, I have wondered over the years whether I could be turned aside from the Path. I have believed, although I could not know for certain, that my course was set. Thus I thank you for your observation that the seed is fully embedded.

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  5. Considering the certain fact I know almost nothing at a personal level about spiritual enlightenment, what I have learned from reading is that working through 'unfinished business' can take years. In Buddhism the process is known as 'ripening'. May you take delight in the warmth of summer sun shining on your way home.

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    1. Susan; How lovely, but I find it difficult to believe that you know nothing about spiritual enlightenment.

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