Now it seems to me that in every beginning there are the remnants of a previous ending, even if those remnants have slipped below the consciousness threshold. Similarly, in every ending there are the, as yet, unrealised seeds of a new beginning. The various steps I have taken have thus become perhaps inevitable once the first step was taken. To an observer on the outside, it might seem that I have taken discrete steps which can be related to the various initiatory experiences of the Christological format. In reality it has seemed that one experience has flowed smoothly into the next, with the ever-present possibility of a revisiting of earlier steps in something resembling a cyclical mode of being.
Of course my inner journey has had parallels with my outer journey through my physical life. That must necessarily be so because this whole life experience is one which reflects the ongoing relationship between my lower self or ego, and my Higher Self. From the time of my first, genuine spiritual awakening through the experience of inner baptism and on to the aloneness (or should that really be loneliness?) of the battle not to return to a life lived under the dominion of my ego, a change has taken place in that inner relationship. The recognition of an inner initiation has been always to see that a process has been under way, that a level of achievement has been reached, before that recognition was possible. My journey has direction, which tallies significantly with that of "Jesus the Christ", but also has depth and duration which probably fall far short of my chosen exemplar.
The next stage of this process is that called, "The Transfiguration." And here lies the source of my difficulty. With all the previous stages of experience I have been looking back and have seen relative completions. Now, I cannot see any sense of completion, or even a sense of a beginning. Perhaps there are the remnants of my ongoing battle with my persistent ego, and that being the case, I can now see where I am on my journey, somewhere between the "Temptations" and the "Transfiguration" stages. That knowledge is valuable because it shows me which psycho-spiritual wheels I no longer need re-invent. Until now a lack of that knowledge has caused me more than a little indecision and confusion.
So how has this relationship between my ego and my Higher Self developed? In the beginning came a realisation that I had an ego, something I could not see because I was always too closely identified with it. That identification was often betrayed by the use of language which said, "I am.....angry, happy, miserable...." or whatever, rather than "I am feeling.....anger, happiness, misery...." The usage may be subtly different, but the differences are telling. The simple truth is, in my experience, that I am most certainly not my feelings, my thoughts or my body senses, but something beyond my ego. Willingly would I give up any associations with my ego, if that were possible. Following that recognition, and washing away the denial that had accompanied the earlier identification with my ego and its control, came the inevitable questions about what I should do with this arrogant tempter. As I could not be rid of it, perhaps it could achieve atonement (or at-one-ment) with my Higher Self.
How poor is the symbolism of the written and spoken language when attempting to express these inner experiences. I cannot describe the lostness that I feel, which nevertheless seems to have a sense of direction. Or is that merely anticlimax? I cannot describe this sense of in-between-ness that is push-pulling me to I-am-not-sure-where-ness. Perhaps this means that my stock-taking exercise is complete....for now.
Is there anything else that I can now do to further the process of becoming, a process that is the way of being of my life? Frankly, I do not know. I do know that I must continue with these writings, for whatever reasons that I cannot clearly understand. Yet every now and then, there comes a small intimation, a brief glimpse of something beyond, a light upon the mountain. And therein lies the hope of a final resolution to a life of seeking.