One Does Not Mess Around with God!

It was to be a long time before I was able to write in my diary:

..........Die to self? How do I do that? I remember how I did it once before; a very special occasion. There was no trying so very hard to drag myself out of my ego-state; it wasn't like that at all. It was when, after days of exhausting meditation on the proof of my powerlessness in the face of another's ego, not to mention my own, that I realised how insanely foolish my behaviour had become. But that was not enough. My pride had not yet been shown to be the very real danger to my spiritual recovery that I needed to see. Thus more days of ever deeper investigation followed, until I wanted to cry out, "Please, no more!" But more had to come until I became utterly convinced. Then, and only then, was I able to, "Come to believe."..........

There could be no point in reaching that state unless I was prepared to go further. It was then that I first made a commitment to the path on which I had been placed, and that commitment required that I carry out a searching inventory of myself, to continue the process of "knowing myself".

I would like to reproduce here an email to a friend, describing what the carrying out of that moral inventory entailed.

"..........There are some subjects that are easy to write about, whilst there are others that come loaded with difficulties. This is one such subject. To begin with, this is not a subject that can be dealt with as a single, complete package but will need further visits. Like so much psycho-spiritual work, this exploration of one's inner world requires that certain aspects of that world need to be investigated time and time again. It is an ongoing experiment in which the parameter values may need to be changed, and new parameters given their due attention. The approach naturally assumes a spiral nature, going ever deeper with each turn, perhaps with some changes in motive and style depending on what one has discovered on previous visits. Each turn of the spiral adds a little more information, understanding and even, perhaps, wisdom. Truth is the desired goal. 

When it comes to studying the ego in general, and particular parts of one's personality in particular, it is sometimes difficult to know where to begin. It would seem necessary to make at least a start on the analysis of some feature of the ego, to get things moving. The  dissection of the onion, shell by shell, has often been used as an analogy for this process. The observation of the onion as a whole comes later. In other words, it seems to be a fruitless task trying to understand the ego as a whole until some work has been carried out on at least some of the ego's characteristics. The particular characteristics I will make a start with in this email are what have been called personality strengths and weaknesses. Subpersonalities and prejudices must await their turn, to a more appropriate time in the future, although much of what can be said of personality traits can also be applied to these behaviour patterns.

I recall the first time I began to deal with my character traits. Recalling and noting down, that latter process being very important, three examples of the use of my negative traits was a gruelling process. Pride, self-pity, resentment, anger, and so on, once begun the list seemed to be endless, all took their place under my searching gaze. Actually, I did very well. I had no desire to go through this process any more times than was necessary. Carrying out a similar process on my positive traits, citing only two examples for each, was far more difficult. The upshot of this process was that I was to be thrown into a despairing state of temporary depression (but under the watchful eye of an understanding counsellor) when dealing with the negatives in my life, only to be lifted to the heights of unmatched joy when dealing with my positives. The end result was that I knew a great deal more about my personality at the end of the process than I did at the beginning. I began to see how my personality traits affected the way I behaved, and how others reacted towards me as a result.

Even as a child I knew that no matter how hard I tried, there were things that I did that I did not wish to do; there were things I did not do that I would have wished to do. St. Paul seems to have been in despair when he also made this observation. No amount of willpower was going to change that situation. What I desired as an adult was to lay bare my personality traits in the hope that some fundamental changes would take place, beyond the place where my ego could interfere. It would seem that has happened, even if my ego still does insist on trying to keep its sticky fingers in business that doesn't concern it.

Periodical returns to that purgative, investigatory process into my personality traits has reaped other rewards. I do not return there, any more than I continue to probe into my childhood, for masochistic reasons. I am prepared to face legitimate pain, but not unwholesome pain. One thing I have discovered is that I no longer beat up on myself for past personality failures: that is ego behaviour. Furthermore, in learning and accepting that I cannot change my personality profile, I find that I am no longer in bondage to it. There has been the added benefit that the emphases in my character have changed, so that sometimes I wonder who I once was. There are, of course, times when I wish I had behaved differently, when I regret the hurt I might have inadvertently caused. But the guilt trip thing is no longer part of my life. By seeing something of who I am, I am no longer unavoidably ruled by traits of which I was once unaware. This is an ongoing process which I believe will eventually bring me to the point at which I can embrace the totality of what I am, the complete ego, with love. Without a developing healthy love of the Self I would be wasting my time.........."

Nothing I can say here can adequately describe the truly agonising, exhausting - and exhaustive - process that I undertook. Something that seemed to be beyond myself took my commitment to that inner search, and held me on that path. I had made my choice and, by heaven, I was going to be kept to that choice. One doesn't mess around with God! The process of investigating my personality traits, described in five or six lines above, took a little over three weeks, every minute of every day, of intensive work. There was no time off, except to give assistance to others who asked for and needed it. Even then I was advised, "Take a little care of yourself as well." 

The absolute joy, and it did feel to be absolute, that accompanied the following step on the way was almost overwhelming. Yet the journey, during which so much had seemed to have been gained, had also seemed barely to have begun. The further I travelled, the further it seemed that I would need to travel, but only by one step at a time. It is odd that later I was to claim that I didn't do faith very well. This whole journey has been built on faith.

"Know Thyself!" - Part 2 of 2

In the second part of this essay, I will travel back to that time when my spiritual fortunes seemed to be at their lowest ebb. That was the time when I was forced to face up to my abject and humiliating failure to control another person's drinking. There would be little to be gained from trying to describe the sense of psycho-spiritual devastation that I experienced, except for one thing. A very real sense of oncoming spiritual annihilation obliged me engage with some serious soul-searching, if I was to have any chance of survival. For about two-and-a-half weeks, and for almost every minute of the day, I had (under strict supervision) to search out and write down (the latter being a very important part of the process) every example that I could recall of my powerlessness over that person's alcoholism. Up until that point I had always believed that if I tried hard enough and for long enough, I would succeed, that the solution to the problem was in my hands. How wrong could I have been? Not only did I discover just how lacking in power I really was, but also what a devastating effect that wasted output of energy was having on my outer life. At that time I barely acknowledged that I had an inner life.

But so what? What has that to do with me now? Simply this, that the seeking out of that over which I, that is to say my conscious self, am unable effectively to exert power continues to this day. Only the focus of my attention has changed, and the means by which I seek to effect satisfactory outcomes. At the end of the two-and-a-half week investigatory period referred to above, I was exhausted. Yet that was, perhaps, the necessary condition for my discovery of, my coming to believe in, a power and energy that was greater than my egoistic self-will to deal with my battle against my ego (or more correctly, ahamkara). But that battle was not to be consciously joined for a while yet. I had to walk before I could run;  I had to see the way before I could journey. I still needed to discover what lay at the very heart of powerlessness. It was to take some time and a great deal of work on the process of "Knowing Myself" before I discovered what I was seeking. 

I will at this point, for the sake of brevity, skip that work and move on to the discovery of what really lay at the heart of the task to which I had agreed (at least between me and God) to apply myself. That kernel of truth was to be summed up in, "delusion and denial." Delusion hides the truth, whilst denial is a means of continuing the state of delusion. The task of ridding myself of these twin problems has always been at the heart of my commitment to seeking truth. Whatever may be said about the ego and its inappropriate attachments, whatever may be debated about its meaning, can be said to be deflections, generated by the ego itself, from the central and all-important task of dealing with delusion and denial. It has been said that that task lay at the centre of the spiritual Master Jesus' teaching, not to mention the teachings of the Buddha and others. In Qabalistic terms, this is the experience of Tiphareth, the achievement of the Great Work.

I said in the first part of this essay that Jesus (according to the Thomas Text) said that if we do not know and understand ourselves, then we are in poverty, and we are the poverty.  Now it seems to me that if the Text has been correctly translated - and I have to take that as a given - then either Jesus is just plain wrong, or there is another interpretation to be discovered. This is all part of that Great Work to discover the heart of spiritual truth, to rid my spiritual system of delusion. The first obstacle to be overcome is the assumption that Jesus is correct simply because his name is what it is. Now I find myself on steadier ground, that I can acknowledge he may be wrong, but also that he may be correct, that we can in some way be the poverty.

I pointed out in the previous part of this essay that it may be a question of identification. Yet somehow that appears to leave certain questions unanswered. These questions are, at the least, tied up with the matter of character traits, thoughts and emotions, and the judgements we pass on their rightness or wrongness (or holiness or sinfulness, if religious language is preferred). It seems to me that if the Text is correct, by that I mean truthful, then it points to the possibility of more than one reality. In which case, what I see as reality is not absolute, but relative. One reality, the one which is relative to the ego, says that I am my body, my thoughts and my feelings. Yet I have found in my life that there is a higher reality, that of the Higher Self, which says that I am not my body, or my thoughts or my emotions. The level of reality is dependent upon spiritual development.

Father Richard Rohr, (Centre for Action and Contemplation, New Mexico), summarises this trend of perceived reality with spiritual growth in his most recent on-line meditations. Briefly, regrettably very briefly, he lists spiritual development under the following headings:

Part 1: Stage One:  My body and my self image are who I am.

         Stage Two: My external behaviour is who I am.

         Stage Three: My thoughts and feelings are who I am.

He goes on to say, "Without great love (and I mean great love) and great suffering, where there is a major defeat, major humiliation, major shock to the ego self, very few people move to Stage Four.

         Stage Four: My deeper intuitions and felt knowledge in my body are who I am.

It yet remains for me to complete my journey, but something wonderful beckons.

"Know Thyself!" - Part 1 of 2

I have reached a point with Gwynt where, even though I am unlikely to change my direction, I at least must become more focused on my heading. Over the recent weeks, ever since my experience of "A Different Nativity" (posted 1.1.2014) and its aftermath, my view of my inner, spiritual life has changed markedly. Because of that, I wish to try to retrace my steps, to rediscover and share how it was that I arrived at this point in my inner life. As most of the literature and history of psycho-spirituality has been couched in religious language, the country across which I will be travelling is necessarily going to reflect that bias towards the religious. This cannot be avoided. What I seek are the realities that lie beyond the symbols of language, for those symbols can only point the way, they are not of themselves the realities for which I search. 

As an introduction to the quick journey back to the beginnings of my story, I would like to quote the final three of five lines of one of the sayings, or logia, attributed to Jesus in the Gospel of Thomas.  [See the Nag Hammadi Scriptures - ed. Marvin Meyer.]  

Logion 3:

"..........Rather, the kingdom is inside you, and it is outside you. When you know yourselves, then will you be known, and you will understand that you are the children of the living Father. But if you do not know yourselves, then you dwell in poverty, and you are poverty.........."

The source of spiritual wisdom and enlightenment lies within, and that is the direction that needs to be taken, not through some third party or agency, not through literalism and fundamentalism. Furthermore, I would suggest that the way to spiritual wisdom and truth is also indicated by the symbolism that is the universe around us.* "Know Thyself!" This is the key injunction here, and it links the sayings and teaching of Jesus with all other spiritual/wisdom teachings. My experience of "knowing myself" was like living in a foggy matrix that gradually dispersed when I investigated my personality make-up.  When I first saw my ego for what it was, it was as if I were being 'seen' or understood by something else that had been trying to see me through the fog. There has always been that sense of 'otherness', a twinship or relationship with something else that wanted to be known and recognised. (Does this not lie at the heart of the process of 'Individuation'?) This logion goes on to say that I will become aware that 'I' am in some way related to, or even become part of, Spiritual Truth synonymously personified as the living Father. However, it doesn't say what "I" am.

It has been claimed with some justification that we are what we eat;  by that I mean that our physical bodies are built from the substances that we ingest, whether those ingested materials are useful, good, useless or even damaging. Might this not also apply at a spiritual level? If the Hermetic doctrine is correct, "As above, so below!" (or its inverse), then this application might well be appropriate. Put more specifically, perhaps I am that with which I choose to identify. If I identify with the my ego and its attachments, that is what I gradually become. Not only am I in a state of spiritual impoverishment, but through identification I become that impoverishment. That of course does not define what "I" am, but it does suggest the alternative possibility of identification with something which can enrich and enliven my spirit and soul.  

Out of that choice of identification, in one case towards darkness, or spiritual impoverishment, in the other case towards the Light, a great deal flows.  If I choose to identify with my ego and its attachments, (or ahamkara, if my understanding of that term is correct), I cannot claim that the mantra, "I am not my body, my thoughts or my emotions" is true for me, much as I would have it otherwise. Only through a higher identification can I honestly make that claim. To disidentify from my ego does not mean to reject it. It does mean, however, that I need to know it, acknowledge its presence, curb its attachments with the persuasive power of love so that "I", my soul, spirit or Higher Self can gain - or should that really be regain - my spiritual freedom and emancipation.

*It can be demonstrated that everything in the 'outer' universe is known as a product of our brains and minds. Our brains process the inputs from our senses, and our minds interpret the results of that process. In a very real sense, therefore, the universe that we sense exists only in our minds. In other words, the outer universe is perceived only as symbols. That is not to say that a universe does not exist 'out there';  only that it might not quite be as we believe it to be.

Towards a Greater Reality

It can only be with a sense of wonder, coupled with more than a little relief and gratitude, that I see myself at the present stage of my inner journey. It would be pointless to attempt to identify where it all began, but I am aware of the lowest point in my life where events took an upward turn. Of course that could be described as one starting point, but only one of many such beginnings. There must also have been many a preparatory starting point which was to lead me into ever deeper chasms of spiritual destitution, a state I had to endure before being ready to look in an upward direction. 

The upturn in my spiritual fortunes began with some practical work on my personality traits, an experience which I may describe at some future date. What I wish to say here is that whereas many people who went through a similar ordeal reluctantly and painfully, I became fascinated with what I was discovering about myself. It must be said that some of my discoveries were far from pleasant, decidedly uncomfortable in fact, but that did not matter to me. The grand experiment was under way, and it was the collection of data and the possible good uses to which those data could be put that mattered to me. It was a journey of discovery.

At first sight this preamble may seem to have little relevance to the subject I wish to address here, but a start has to be made somewhere. Out of fumbling beginnings, something is bound to emerge. In my case, one of those emergent experiences was one which I struggled to accept in the early days, and even much later, only reluctantly. I was to discover that I was predisposed towards the mystical. It has been suggested that there are three points of entry to the study of spiritual wisdom. One point of entry is through the intellect and speculation; another through purely practical considerations; and, finally, the third entry point, the way of the mystic. Although my way began with a healthy dose of good practice, and additionally I love to think and speculate, my preferred way is that of the mystic. And a great deal naturally follows from that, not the least important being a profound conviction that there is that which I choose to name as God. This has nothing whatsoever to do with religion in its various forms, and certainly not the Church. I will go a step further and say that it has nothing to do those personages who, unfortunately in my view, have become the foci of religious personality cults.

When, recently, I found myself in that place of "brilliant Darkness" there was no doubt in my mind where I was or where I was headed. I was in the place of what has been described as the Eternal Self, the divine Ground, a description so often used by Meister Eckhart, the German 12th./13th. century mystic. And as Prof. Jacob Needleman once observed, the questions of the Self and of God may in the end be the same question, and that may lead to some very exciting possibilities. For now, instead of needing to struggle to find my place in the spiritual universe, I have abundant guides and pointers from many others who have passed this way, whatever their religious, deist or atheist orientations.

Life is never going to be the same as it was, even as it was a few short weeks ago. And when I consider that the overwhelming proportion of the physical universe is thought to be invisible Dark Matter and Dark Energy, and that symbolically reflects the "brilliant Darkness" of the Ground of my being, not only is that a salutary lesson for my visible ego but also an indicator of how much there is yet awaiting discovery and development in all sentient life. Is it not truly wonderful that we are able to take an active part in that process, rather than being dragged along, willy-nilly, uncognisant of the deeper realities within ourselves? 

Into the Eternal

I simply was. To speculate on posture, shape or form, would reveal nothing. I can only repeat that.....I was. There was a plenitude about my being that spoke of development, that a process of becoming was already under way, but beyond that I knew nothing. I could only observe my surroundings. I felt nothing; I thought nothing. Any conclusions that surfaced in the place in which I had my being did not appear to come from me, but appeared like a scene that I observed.

My place of being was in the Darkness, a state that exhibited a brilliance that gave my surroundings a form of filamented clarity. Nothing hid itself in this Darkness, yet there appeared to be nothing that sought to hide. And the Darkness was vast beyond my imagining. Maybe I should have felt fear, but that had passed and I could no longer know what there might be of which to be afraid. 

I was stationary, unable to move, even perhaps disinclined to move if I could have felt inclinations. Yet I was not imprisoned. Rather, it was as if I had been placed - beyond the rim of logic, reason and rationality - in some non-existent place or unattainable state where some indefinable purpose was to be worked out. The only faculty remaining was some intuitive sense that revealed itself as observations, both seemingly visual and also as conclusions.

What would have been on my left side in the material world I 'saw', without seeing, a strange artificial light. It shone beyond a symbolic veil of biological strings and filaments, cells loosely linked, and an aura of impenetrability. Thus I did see the light but without it being able to enter into the Darkness. Only in that one direction was there even a semblance of light, tawdrily artificial as it was, for elsewhere was only the brilliance of the Darkness. If I could have felt anything I might have associated my positioned being with that of a primal cell placed on the wall of a uterine cosmos. But that hardly begins to describe my state. What I did realise, or observe, was that I had been stripped of everything that related to my ego, all of which lay bathed in its own light beyond the symbolic veil.

What then could I be, this sense of beingness hanging in the Darkness? It came to me that within, but far beyond, my ego lived the Child. This state in which I found myself was not of the squalling, squarking, biochemical machine ejected protestingly into the realm of materiality, with all its innocence, naivety and  vulnerability. This state was of an entirely different order, a state of unknowing knowing, of innocent experience. I knew All, yet Nothing. Time was, yet was not. I was joined and united, yet free. I sensed the untrammeled reach of eternity, and the inconsequentiality of that other, unreal, reality that used to be my ego. If I had had tears, I would have wept with joy at all that was yet to be seen. If I had had a heart, it would have hurt with happiness that I had found what I had so long sought, found that which I had never lost but which nevertheless I still had to discover.

There are no words there, there never were words there that could describe the experience of Truth. Let the Silence of the eternal Darkness Be. It speaks of ultimate, never-ending invitation. 

Cease Not from Seeking

Nearly ten days have passed since a certain night-time experience (3rd./4th. Jan.) completely turned me around;  ten days of something akin to lethargy, or the need to rest.

A quote from the Nag Hammadi Codex, Gospel of Thomas, Logion (or Saying) No.2:-

2 Jesus said:

Let him who seeks not cease from seeking

until he finds;

and when he finds,

he will be turned around,

and when he is turned around

he will marvel

and he shall reign over the All.

(In other copies of this logion, 'troubled' and 'astonished' are used rather than 'marvel'. It seems to me that each of those words express an element of deep surprise. One version adds the phrase, "and having reigned, one will rest.")

..........From my own experience, and I recall what I wrote in Gwynt on the subject of the Nativity, not only understanding, but also Wisdom perhaps, arrives unexpectedly. A subject for meditation may be taken over and used for whatever purposes Wisdom has in mind for me.  And yes, I love her, and continue to seek her out. I also know that following the work on those three earlier posts, I was overcome with a sense of lethargy, or rest, in which the thinking and feeling functions played no part, were anaesthetised almost. In finding "The All", that is, Spiritual Truth or Wisdom perhaps, a great deal of energy has been expended, and that energy needs to be replaced. I need to rest awhile.........

[Meditation on Logion 2.]

During the period following my posts on the Nativity, or what might more appropriately called the 'High-jacked Nativity', I have accepted, with some difficulty, the need to rest and let things stew. From time to time of late, certain nudgings and discomforts have surfaced which indicate that my apprehension of what lay beyond the rim of logic, rationality and reason, carries something else within its ambit. That something else relates to my need to be seen as a credible witness of my inner experiences. I have never been a full-bloodied disciple of logic, not committed to rationality with no thought of the irrational in my nature. But reason is something else. Surely, I must fight to my limits to support reason and reasoned analysis, must I not? 

No!........ For now I see that my embattled ego is under threat. I claim that reason is needful because my subject matter, my search for 'knowing', for understanding, for wisdom, is too important - at least to me - to settle for anything less. Yet in that recognition, I find myself bolstering my ego's need to be, and on that I must turn my back. Even sweet reason must take a back seat when Wisdom herself comes knocking on my door.

For a long time I have been aware of this inner priority, but it has been swamped by other considerations. Whether or not I could have willed it otherwise, I know not. Whether or not I could have held rigidly to the placement of Wisdom above reason, I do not know. Such is the power of Spiritual Truth that given even half a chance, it will come more than halfway to meet consciousness. Now isn't that a wonderful thing? And in that coming of the experience of Spiritual Truth, all the ego-slush that was preventing me from stepping into the Darkness, was washed away, dispersed, or simply evaporated. Finally, the way forward was cleared.

It has taken much to put these words to paper, so to speak. But somewhere, somehow, a balance must be achieved, a balance between rest and travel, a balance between lethargy and the will to write. Perhaps it does not matter what I say here, only that I say something. What matters, what truly matters, is what came next.  

Responsum

It was the early hours of Friday-night/Saturday-morning. My worlds, both inner and outer, lay in darkness; I was troubled. I had been considering a response to comments made about my two previous posts, "A Different Nativity," and "The Nativity Revisited." Something occurred which I do not feel I am free to discuss. Yet as a result of that occurrence, I will make good on my word and respond to those comments on my earlier posts, but now from a different perspective. I have chosen to post my response, rather than commit it to a comment box, firstly for reasons of space, and secondly because I want a more easily accessible reminder of that night-time experience.

Let me begin with the feelings of terror that I felt when I leant over the manger-crib. Such an emotional response can be felt only by the ego, as was the subsequent 'flee' reaction. As has happened before in my experience, some overwhelming force seems to have seeped down from some higher psycho-spiritual level into my ego-consciousness. Put another way, my meditation had been taken over for other purposes. But why should I have felt that way in the first place? This experience was ostensibly about the nativity of the Christ child, an event which should, perhaps, have triggered a very different response. From my present perspective, I can conclude only that this was not about the Christ's birth but about some other birth, one which was taking place, or about to take place, within me. Thus events were occurring on two levels, the conscious and sub/unconscious levels. The sense of the presence of evil was, it seems, a reaction to an ego-life threat. 

Now I am not saying that evil is not a potent force in its own right, only that in this instance the presence of an unnerving force was probably misinterpreted. It must be remembered here that a number of psychological events appeared to be happening either simultaneously, or over a very period of time, as measured by the outer world. Everything in my inner world was in a constant state of fluidity, of ebb and flow; a process of becoming at its most obvious. Whilst recognising, correctly, the need to go beyond the limiting rim of logic, reason and rationality, with all its fearful associations, other matters were intruding and requiring resolution. The intuitive function is part of my personality structure. Whilst being underused, perhaps, it would seem strange that I was not exercising that function at least to some significant degree. Something else was intruding into my inner world. At the time, the feeling of evil could not be discounted. It was only later, as seen from a new perspective, that the apparent paradox that I had encountered was resolved.

One matter that required resolution was the question of pairings, or dualities. That was firmly fixed in my consciousness at the time and needed to be circumvented in some way. It seemed, and continues thus, that one side of a duality does not generate its opposite. Thus life does not generate death, nor good generate evil. Both sides of a pairing emerge simultaneously. If I pick up a sheet of paper, I hold in my hands, simultaneously, two sides of that one sheet. One cannot exist without the other, whatever state they may be in. 

It is not necessary that I know or understand my inner world; it is only necessary that as far as is possible I consciously experience it. Truth is experiential and not acquired from the written word. The word, or logos, is a pointer or preparatory stage toward experience. From my, admittedly limited, studies of Gnosticism and Jungian Gnosticism in particular, I discovered that my inner experiences have been shared by others, and that those experiences could be seen to make some kind of sense. This I find exciting, just as I gain similar excitement from the possible, future study of 'heretical' Gnostic gospels. But in my post, "On the Shores of Galilee," I was very clearly told that the way followed by Jesus was his way, it was not mine. Jung had a similar experience with the addition that he could learn nothing from the Christ. Again, it is down to personal experience. Having decided to heed the Christ message, and find my own way, I have no intention of following someone else's way - if that were truly possible - whether that person be a Jung or some other Gnostic. 

Somehow, and in a manner I am unable to describe, my consciousness was cleared and made straight; mountains were made low, and I was ready for my own inner nativity. Each time I make significant progress on my way, it is like coming once more to the starting gate that stands on the path to which many are called, but few there are that find it. I claim no superior rights here, but I do thank, from the bottom of my soul, that in approaching the rim of logic, reason and rationality, I was not required to step out into that terrifying  Darkness. My commitment to this way was made long ago. And so it was that I was taken and placed in a new position. Was I afraid? You bet I was!

All my questions dissolved. All my knowledge disappeared. In the end I realised that Gnosis is paired with Not-knowing in simultaneity. In the stillness, that darkest part of the night, I came to a place that might, in the end, be home. And I must at this point thank those whose comments, both public, and expressed in private communication, have brought me to this point in my life.