Monday 20 January 2014

Into the Eternal

I simply was. To speculate on posture, shape or form, would reveal nothing. I can only repeat that.....I was. There was a plenitude about my being that spoke of development, that a process of becoming was already under way, but beyond that I knew nothing. I could only observe my surroundings. I felt nothing; I thought nothing. Any conclusions that surfaced in the place in which I had my being did not appear to come from me, but appeared like a scene that I observed.

My place of being was in the Darkness, a state that exhibited a brilliance that gave my surroundings a form of filamented clarity. Nothing hid itself in this Darkness, yet there appeared to be nothing that sought to hide. And the Darkness was vast beyond my imagining. Maybe I should have felt fear, but that had passed and I could no longer know what there might be of which to be afraid. 

I was stationary, unable to move, even perhaps disinclined to move if I could have felt inclinations. Yet I was not imprisoned. Rather, it was as if I had been placed - beyond the rim of logic, reason and rationality - in some non-existent place or unattainable state where some indefinable purpose was to be worked out. The only faculty remaining was some intuitive sense that revealed itself as observations, both seemingly visual and also as conclusions.

What would have been on my left side in the material world I 'saw', without seeing, a strange artificial light. It shone beyond a symbolic veil of biological strings and filaments, cells loosely linked, and an aura of impenetrability. Thus I did see the light but without it being able to enter into the Darkness. Only in that one direction was there even a semblance of light, tawdrily artificial as it was, for elsewhere was only the brilliance of the Darkness. If I could have felt anything I might have associated my positioned being with that of a primal cell placed on the wall of a uterine cosmos. But that hardly begins to describe my state. What I did realise, or observe, was that I had been stripped of everything that related to my ego, all of which lay bathed in its own light beyond the symbolic veil.

What then could I be, this sense of beingness hanging in the Darkness? It came to me that within, but far beyond, my ego lived the Child. This state in which I found myself was not of the squalling, squarking, biochemical machine ejected protestingly into the realm of materiality, with all its innocence, naivety and  vulnerability. This state was of an entirely different order, a state of unknowing knowing, of innocent experience. I knew All, yet Nothing. Time was, yet was not. I was joined and united, yet free. I sensed the untrammeled reach of eternity, and the inconsequentiality of that other, unreal, reality that used to be my ego. If I had had tears, I would have wept with joy at all that was yet to be seen. If I had had a heart, it would have hurt with happiness that I had found what I had so long sought, found that which I had never lost but which nevertheless I still had to discover.

There are no words there, there never were words there that could describe the experience of Truth. Let the Silence of the eternal Darkness Be. It speaks of ultimate, never-ending invitation. 

16 comments:

  1. wow - such gorgeous peace and comfort throughout this post. i am happy that you found yourself here.

    the first paragraph, incidentally, almost perfectly describes the way i "felt" after i dragged my carcass out of the september hole. it really struck a chord. perhaps that's why i loved this post so much.

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  2. Agnieszka; I am so pleased that this post harmonised with your own experience.


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  3. Beautiful writing , beautiful experience for you! Some of Wm Blake's paintings came to mind as I read this.

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  4. Marja-Leena: The Wm. Blake connection is an honoured one. My thanks.

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  5. All I can find words for is to say that I feel my beingness hanging in nothingness. No Light, no Darkness. Still so much to discover. My heading would need to read 'Into Transientness'.
    Thank you for sharing, Tom.

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  6. A remarkable experience, Tom. Did this happen during a deliberate meditation, or did it spontaneously occur/unfold? Or was it in a dream? I', not certain if this was the night-time experience of 3/4th Jan you referenced, or something that happened just recently. In any case, it gives me hope, and I thank you for trying to put the ineffable into words.

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  7. Beth; Let me first deal with the 'was nots'. It was not a dream; neither was it a planned 'sit (or lie) down and meditate' experience.

    On 1.1.2014, I described my experiences of the Nativity (part of the St. Ignatius' Meditations I had carried out a long while ago) because it just felt needful to post those experiences at that time. Why? I am uncertain. That post roused all sorts of unfinished business which I talked about in my following post on 3.1.2014. Finally, the comments that I received about those posts (and I am so grateful for those comments) generated an even deeper, but exhausting, need to get right to the bottom of what I was feeling. At the same time, I was becoming a little troubled by my new investigations into Gnosis. Hence 'Responsum' posted on 5.1.2014. The two subsequent posts, "Cease Not from Seeking" and "Into the Eternal" may be read as Parts 1 and 2 of a resolution to the three previous posts.

    "Cease Not from Seeking" took me from the turmoil of the three previous posts, which had been brought to a focus during the night of 3rd./4th. January, through a period of static dryness, to the point where I was able to face my innermost ego-fears. At that point I stopped and simply let what had happened up to that point do its work.

    Although I tried to remain 'hands-off', it nevertheless felt as if something was communicating, through the use of symbols, what was taking place in the depths of my being. It was worse (or better if one could cope with the loss of sleep) during the nights. This current post was an attempt to at least precis the nocturnal experiences that I had had since "Cease Nor from Seeking".

    If all this had followed a strict time-wise sequence, it might have been easier to describe. It felt however, as if a number of strands of experience were occurring simultaneously, but with one strand predominating as others lost their priority.

    Thus it was that the heights or depths to which I was taken, increased markedly. That final experience of the Darkness, remains not only beyond adequate description, but also as part of my now day-to-day living. It is as if I have taken on a whole new dimension.

    I trust I have not piled confusion upon confusion in answering your comment. If I have, I'll try to do better next time.

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  8. After a long journey, it seems as though the journey has just begun. Wonderful!

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  9. Yours may well be one of the most beautifully poignant descriptions of a deep realization I've ever encountered. May you continue to dwell in that state. Hopefully, too, you will have more to say.

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  10. I had the same kind of questions as Beth's, which you have answered very fully. I still don't quite understand (time and place in relation to your body and the outside world) but it doesn't matter. You've written beautifully about a mystical journey and found answers. Then you've been able to come back and tell the traveller's tale coherently.

    Looking forward to your next.

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  11. Rouchswalwe; It seems to be a characteristic of this inner journey that no matter how far one appears to travel, one is always just arriving at the beginning. As you say, "Wonderful!"

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  12. Susan; Even at my age, I am still capable of blushing. Thank you my dear friend.

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  13. Vincent; Not only is it difficult to describe these inner experiences, but also equally difficult to express my thanks for your input to my posts.

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  14. Tom, all I can say is that the answer you received, and the answers you gave here, answer it all. Thank you.

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  15. Natalie; In answer to your comment, I do believe it does.

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