Monday, 30 August 2021

Computer Down

           For the three weeks leading up to the writing of my previous post, I was without a computer; it had simply died. It took three weeks to research, buy and have installed, the present model. Elsewhere, I have described that period as one resembling being in a state dementia. I am going to address the memory of that experience again with the intention of deepening my understanding of the sense of loss I felt, and how that apparent loss could shape what is yet to come.

          Very largely, I use my computer as a word processor and filing cabinet. Almost all that is stored in the memory banks relates to the studies I have carried out over the years on my internal life. When I discovered that I no longer had access to that store, I felt an intense sense of grief for the loss for my memory. A very large part of what I thought to be me was gone. I don't know whether sufferers of dementia feel that way, and I would not choose to downplay their experiences in any way. I do not suffer from dementia and am, therefore, unable to relate directly to those who do. 

          When I looked into the emptiness of where my memory had resided, and at the blank screen staring at me from my desk top, I had to admit that I --- some essential awareness of me --- was still alive and functioning. As time passed, that very obvious conclusion took on a new, or perhaps rediscovered, meaning. Not only am I decidedly not my body, my thoughts or my emotions, but neither am I my memories.

          Although I could no longer recall the details of what I had written over the years, I was still 'me'. What was also puzzling was that when asked by my installer what the names of some of my files and folders were, I could not answer. The fact is that when I look for the information I need, I do not 'see' the file name as meaning very much in relation to its contents. What I 'see' is a word-shape. And how does one communicate the 'shape' of a word devoid of any intellectual content? It is similar to the experience of viewing a word and knowing it has been spelled incorrectly, without actually knowing at first inspection what is wrong. It is simply a series of almost, but not quite, familiar shapes. 

          I hope this experience will stay with me, and that I will never again build that same kind of associative, almost egoistic, bond with my computer. For now I am determined to ensure that I update --- at frequent intervals --- my external hard drive. I have to say that it's good to have a working computer again!

Saturday, 28 August 2021

Coming Back

           As once again I put virtual pen to paper, I wonder why I feel the need to respond to the urge to write. It has now been some nineteen months, or thereabouts, since last I put my thoughts on "paper". So why now? There are still a number of valid reasons why I should stay with my decision to stop writing so, again I ask myself, "Why?" In truth, I cannot fully answer that question, I can only offer a trigger that has fired my urge to write once more. There are a number of personal benefits to be gained from turning back to GWYNT, but the trigger lies in another's post.

          On Wednesday, 25 August 2021, my good friend Deanna quoted, in a post entitled "Entering the Arena" [Two Spirits - One Halle], the following comment from the New Morning Sun - Blue Rodeo 

"If we walk away, then we walk away never knowing what we could have done."

          It has been said that people with my personality type get to the ends of their lives saying, "I should have done more." I do not wish, when that day comes for me, to add the judgement, "I could  have done more, but chose not to do so." I have, therefore, chosen to come back and write, at least for a while longer.

          Some would say that in order to pursue a 'spiritual' life one needs an external teacher. This has always seemed to be false to me, having too many overtones of guru-ic control and manipulation. And what happens, for example, if one desires an external teacher but no such teacher is available? I can find no worthwhile answer to this question, particularly as there is always an internal teacher who can become available. Or perhaps I should say that an internal teacher will speak to one, if communication is truly requested. This access is one of the most important personal spiritual benefits of which I am aware. Who else can place those words on my lips, or in my finger tips, about which I will later ask, "Where did that wonderful phrase, those uplifting words, come from?"