Tuesday 10 February 2015

Things, They Are A-Changing

          It still surprises me how childhood experiences still have the power to affect the way I think and feel in my more mature years. Perhaps I should begin at the beginning and briefly recall those early years, but without any trace of judgementalism, for I am not seeking to regenerate old feelings now dealt with. There were a number of times when I was sent to my bedroom to, "stay there until I (i.e. my father) say otherwise." Such periods on my own would last, typically, two to three hours. As a punishment, those periods of enforced physical inactivity fell far short of their intended goal, because I quickly discovered that such times on my own could be fruitfully spent on internal pursuits. I would spend the time daydreaming, thinking and eventually engaging in that dearest of inner activities that I later realised was called meditation.
          The recent couple of weeks have been increasingly difficult for me. My exercise in personal stock-taking has taken more out of me than I thought it would. The result has been a need to step back awhile and regenerate something inside me. Also, I have found myself in need of some stimulation, which now appears to be on its way. What has this to do with my childhood, you might ask? Simply this.
          It feels, after the committed thought and writing of these past few weeks, as if once more I have been sent to my room as a form of deprivation rather than punishment. As I have said before, neither one's Higher Self nor God rewards or punishes; there are only consequences to our actions. Yet, nevertheless, there has still been the same sense of being cut off from the world. But gradually I have perceived that there has always been a solution at hand. That solution has been to begin meditating on subjects which I had not, until now, considered. And those meditations are already beginning to bear fruit.
          In addition to this spiritual lassitude has been an increasing worry about my right eye, the one on which surgery was performed a month since. I have to say that Lucy has been imagining things that even my fertile imagination had not considered. The problem has been a gradual but persistent decrease in focussing power, as well as swelling in the fleshy parts around the eye and pain around the orbit. I find that more and more I am needing to wear sunglasses to afford me some relief.
          Yesterday, I had an appointment at the clinic, with my eye surgeon. He had barely taken a look at my eye when he said, "Ah! Allergie!" For two weeks following the operation I had regularly taken, three times-a-day, my antibiotic eye drops without any problems. At the same time, and continuing for a further two weeks until yesterday (that's for four weeks for those having trouble with the arithmetic) I have been taking, three times-a-day, a set of drops to relieve me of any eye irritation. I guess you know what's coming next. I am allergic to those drops. The effect of taking the anti-irritant drops has not only been to induce the symptoms described above, but also to increase an inner sense of disorienting alienation.
          But not to worry! The treatment has been halted, and an optometry test has shown my eye to be functionally much improved. And if I may borrow a line from Shakespeare's "Richard II", "Thomas is himself again," or nearly so. My period of inner quiet will continue awhile yet, but 'things, they are a-changing.'

22 comments:

  1. Hi Tom
    I have a good friend who is award winning author, but some of his best work I think is in writing short stories about his childhood. I think we all are all reminded of childhood experiences which still do have the power to affect the way we think and feel. I also think it is good to give expression to that in our more mature years. By way of coincidence this friend is recovering from an eye operation which seems remarkably similar to yours and he also had to go back and have some treatment because it was playing up. It has since settled down and I was equally pleased to note your eye is also much improved.
    Best wishes

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    1. Hi Lindsay; I am glad that your good friend has such a fruitful source of good story material. I don't think my own childhood would supply anything of such value, unless I was intent on turning my readers into suicidal depressives. And I do not see that as even a minor goal in my life. :)

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  2. So often the medication designed to alleviate some disorder instead brings on said disorder. Such are the strange ways of modern medicine. I'm glad it has been discovered and remedied.

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    1. Bruce; This one caught me completely by surprise, because I had yet to find anything to which I was so strongly allergic.

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  3. I'm pleased to read that all is now under control with your eye. Did you put the drops in yourself? If so, good on you.
    My neighbor across the hall could not do it. I volunteered for two 'drops in' a day and another neighbor did the evening shift.
    Stay well.

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    1. Hullo Ellena; Nice to see you here again. I have to confess that Lucy does the drops procedure for me. I prepare the little plastic phial in which the anti-irritation drops are supplied, and Lucy squirts them in. I have tried to do the job myself, and even succeeded once, sort of. There is the ever-present risk of missing the target, wasting some drops, or simply poking my eye. With the antibiotic drops, the dosage is one drop only from a little bottle, and there is no way that I can measure that.

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  4. Best wishes for a speedy recovery, Tom.

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  5. Acquainted as I am with feelings of alienation with my own body, I can only say good for you making use of that alienation, those feelings of being cut off, to renew and refresh your inner travels Tom.

    Glad you are on the road to full recovery.

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    1. Hullo Halle; I cannot even begin to imagine what your alienation must feel like. I just hope that in some way which I cannot know, something from 'here' can find its way out to 'there' and be a support.

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    2. It does Tom!

      A friend who has lived with the same dysphoria as I was remarking that she has noticed that senior citizens tend to be the most accepting of transsexuals. It may be that they have experienced some measure of that feeling of being alienated from their own body.

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    3. Or even alienated from their soul or spirit.

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  6. Glad your eye is better.

    YOu're a better fellow than I am. When sent to my room as a youth (and there was plenty of that, especially in early adolescence) what I generally found was the girlie magazines hidden beneath the floorboards of my closet.

    Which offered a whole different kind of meditative focus than what you so admirably developed.

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    1. My pre- and early adolescent self admires your early adolescent self. But, someone has to pay the price of early sainthood, and I bowed to my inevitable fate with good grace. :)

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  7. Tom, so glad that your eye problem was "only" an allergic reaction! However unpleasant, at least it's now fading away since the guilty meds were indentified and you'll soon be able to enjoy the benefits of improved vision.

    As for the spiritual stuff (I'm being deliberately and temporarily disrespectful to the word 'spiritual'} dare I suggest that you take a break from it? What would be the opposite of sending you to your room? How about sending you to play in the garden? (Or whatever you want to substitute for 'garden')

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    1. Natalie; I think that a large reduction, at least, in the 'spiritual' stuff might indeed be a very good idea. But I wonder whether that might be a more fearful course of action than my choice to begin this path in the first place. Certainly, at present, I am not moving determinedly in any direction, but waiting to feel what moves me.

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  8. It was certainly a relief to read that you haven't suffered serious damage to your eye after all that. Unfortunately, adverse reactions to products designed to relieve our suffering can, all too often, make things worse.

    I can't say I've been experiencing a spiritual lassitude, but I'm not sure what else could be the cause of my current lack of motivation. Then again, it might just be the fact that we now have more snow and ice outside than we've seen here before. When I can't freely walk long distances I tend to prefer curling up with books and tea at hand. Not such a bad thing.

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    1. Susan; These periods, however they are experienced, are not always easy to cope with, particularly when one's experience has led one to a knowing that the chosen path is the right one. Of course the path must inevitably pass through these awkward times, and may well be highlighted by outside conditions - as if they may be symbolic of inner workings. It is interesting that here the winter has been mild compared with other years, yet I find myself longing for spring.

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  9. I am so relieved that your eye problem was resolved without damage, and that you have Lucy to help with those drops. Still, take it easy for a while, Tom, both in body and soul. Both will thank you.

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    1. Hullo Marja-Leena; There has been no further deterioration in my right eye, but am still awaiting any significant recovery. It is now nine days to the next op, but I doubt I'll get to talk to the surgeon then. But fingers crossed, I should get a check-up soon afterwards.

      At present I am languidly (for me) enjoying the thought of springtime coming, with no particular plans for anything - although there is still much to do.

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  10. i am sorry it has taken me this long to read and respond - i find i need to approach your posts with more than the passing interest with which i approach most blogs - your posts are meaty and chewy, if you will allow such gross physical metaphors, and i need the time to get at them.

    the idea that god or the inner self does not reward or punish is an attractive one. it forces us to accept the fact that we are adults who make our own decisions, good or bad.

    i am glad your eye problems have been seen to. having spent the better part of my year in chicago with a serious allergic reaction to the very air in which i found myself, i can attest to the awfulness and fear that accompanies eye problems.

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    1. Agnieszka; I will, of course, allow any metaphors you choose to use. I agree with your comment on God/Inner Self. It also frees us from the notion of that entity, by whichever name you choose to call it, as being some king of judgemental parent or overlord in whose presence we obliged to quake in terror.

      Sorry to hear about your brush with a Chicago air allergy.

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