"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
was a completely different experience from Step One. To begin with, I did not feel that I was 'doing' anything. Rather, it was about what was happening to me. Many people, both in AA and Al-anon, have difficulty with the 'Power greater than ourselves' part of the Step, because it smacks too much of God. I on the other hand, have always baulked at the expression 'Higher Power'. For me it was about finding that presence which I name God and/or the Christ. I was too desperate at that time to waste time over the niceties of mere words. But let me return to that morning when I was told that my work on the first Step was complete, and I could take time out and ponder on Step Two.
I have to admit that whenever I read those lovely words, "Came to believe" my throat tightens, I need to swallow hard and look away, whilst all the time refusing to deny my helpless gratitude. I have always known from that morning onwards that I was in the Presence of something divine. My repetitive, futile, controlling behaviour was over; that obsessive behaviour that had been bordering on insanity. From all that, as well as from my denial, I had been rescued. Observing the experience of that Presence I was gloriously defenceless. I think in my heart of hearts I had already made my decision about Step Three.
When I was young, I was constantly frustrated by my inability to do what I felt I ought to do, whilst at the same time doing what I felt I should not do. Now I began to see that morality was an empty box, a washed-out force. I longed to make changes to my personality that would get me to a point where I could spiritually 'succeed.' What a hopeless task it was; what a foolish goal to pursue; what a pointless aspiration to follow. Gradually I would become aware that changes were happening, not perhaps with my personality, but with my deepest sense of being. It is not an easy thing to describe and write about. I just realised that the changes were taking place without any interference on my part, and at a level deeper than I could consciously reach.
..........It seemed as if there were a light ahead of me which consumed my focus. It was in me yet also beyond me. I could not tell whether it was small, dim and close by, or large, bright and distant. I had no markers by which I could judge. I have never had markers by which I could gauge the proximity of God. I know only that 'It' is immensely yet gently powerful. And for all my planning, I sometimes miss out bits in my life. There is always that Presence that seems to acknowledge my commitment, and fill in the missing bits. So much of that came later, but that was the moment, that morning, to which I trace my resurrected spiritual life.
I finally learned that logic, reason and rationality were not the name of the game. I needed to believe, trust and for Heaven's sake just try it. When that happened I was repaid with confirmation and a knowing that my commitment had received some justification. It was as if I had stepped into the darkness then, looking back, saw that sturdy, stone slabs had been placed just where my feet were supposed to tread.
And now I find that I have rushed onwards and outwards, yet I remain here. It is as if I am experiencing the acorn whilst also being the oak tree which it will become. And all the while there are more acorns to come. Then and now; here and there; living within a great paradox in an ever-present future; I remain, looking at starlight after the intervening clouds have passed away..........
Thanks Tom for sharing your adventure in these exciting instalments.
ReplyDeleteMy pleasure, Vincent.
Delete"... the changes were taking place without any interference on my part, and at a level deeper than I could consciously reach."
ReplyDeleteYour words give me shivers Tom.
Halle, please see my reply to Lindsay.
DeleteHi Tom,
ReplyDeleteJust to endorse Vincent and Halle’s prior comment.
Also, am I correct in my impression you were previously reticent about posting about this, so that this post represents a watershed moment?
Best wishes
Hello Halle and Lindsay,
DeleteI feel my reply should include you both as you both come from similar directions. 'Shivers' is perhaps an apt way to describe the state I am experiencing which is why I was, and to a degree still am, reticent about posting this material. Yes, I do believe this is a watershed moment for me, and it may well be the reason I felt a need to recommence writing.
It is like walking through one's home and discovering a door one has never seen before. On opening that door, one discovers a brightly lit space that is enormous, too big to fit into one's home. But there it is anyway.
Suddenly, there is so much more that I need to address, so much more to discover. I do not have a need to do this: I can simple experience 'Being.' Yet does not one seek to know that which one loves? I'm not big on prayer, the pleading, asking kind [prayer as relationship is quite a different matter] but there have been times when I have asked to be changed, changes that God wants, not what my ego would like. It would seem that those changes are occurring and that I might just be involved in a process of which I have had no idea in the past.
I will leave my reply there, before I tread in places where I should have removed shoes..
Tom, I love your similes or metaphors or whatever the correct term is.
ReplyDeleteI must confess that the beginning of my lack of belief occurred when I was attending a Presbyterian college many decades ago. A group of we skeptics used to go to the school pastor's home on the night before his next sermon and discuss (argue) with him about it. He used to tell us that we just had to have faith, to trust. We would respond that we needed facts, proof or something that would convince us that "his way was the right way". I was never convinced. But I can share the joy, or contentment, that you feel. And I am fascinated with the pursuit.
Hello Bruce, A very interesting comment. As I said in the latter part of my post, it was as if I had walked into darkness, turned and saw stepping stones placed where my feet were to tread. I am not a believer in blind faith; there needs - at least for me - some justifying evidence for my act of, less us say, provisional faith. In many ways science operates on the same principle, except we do not call it faith, but hypothesis.
DeleteOne of the things which did bother me for some time was that I did not wish to renew my connection with formal Christianity. It was not, nor is not now, my Way. Yet some kind of involvement has been shown to be necessary for me to progress. Sitting on the side-lines hypothesising was never enough.
To say that we just have to have faith, to trust, is often a way to deflect enquiry onto safer ground. In the end, we cannot follow any way except our own. I recall a very powerful experience during a guided meditation, following an image of Jesus hurrying along the shores of Galilee. I called out to him to wait, but response was, "This is my way, it isn't yours!"
I am glad you're enjoying my writings. It is fun.
It is in the nature of a seeker to think that others who are heading in a different direction cannot share the same goal.
DeleteThis reminded me of something I write years ago.
https://onanotherhand.blogspot.com/2016/05/two-directions-one-goal.html?m=0
Halle, I think the point you make in your 2016 post is something one should constantly note. If for no other reason, the risk of falling foul of pride is too high.
DeleteAt this moment I feel I have returned to a new beginning, but for the life of me I cannot really see where I am headed. I am almost fearful of going forward, stepping into the dark, just in case....
Tom, I am completely at one with the experience you describe here. Mine was different in details but essentially similar in the awareness of and, if I can use that unpopular word, surrender to the Presence. Thank you for your moving and trusting words.
ReplyDeleteDear Natalie, I hardly know how to respond. Since returning to Gwynt I have been presented with such moving and uplifting responses from friends which I thought I might have lost. For that I am deeply grateful. When all is said and done, it is the wise person that surrenders to the Presence. All else seems to be pointless foolishness.
DeleteDear Tom, I am hanging on as best I can to the ideas and insights you've covered in the past 2 posts, all of which appear sound and logical to me. I am not an educated man, but the tremendous operations of the universe, which produced us, have always seemed alive to me --and in combination intelligent. Over the past 6 months, I have been recovering from a serious illness and would, while half-awake, sometimes lapse into vigorous profanity which others heard as desperate appeals to the Deity. My recovery leaves the suggestion of a panpsychic plenum, of which we are part and parcel. Your own cogent inquiries into existence help me feel less nervous about what I call God.
ReplyDeleteDear Geo, As ever, I await news of your recovery with not a little hope mixed with anxiety.
DeleteThe problem with education is that too often it can be used to explain things away, rather than lead to understanding. I agree with you, and it does puzzle me, that the universe [at least as a mirror of the inner universe] does seem to be alive. I suspect it is a greater mystery than we can imagine.
As for the final line of your comment, Geo, I feel happy, humbled and perhaps content. My best wishes to you and Norma.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI respect your reason, whatever it might be, for your deletion.
Delete