Of Powerlessness and Belief - Part ll

          I ended Part l withe sentence, "It is like looking at starlight after the intervening clouds have passed away." Step Two of the spiritual recovery program:-

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

was a completely different experience from Step One. To begin with, I did not feel that I was 'doing' anything. Rather, it was about what was happening to me. Many people, both in AA and Al-anon, have difficulty with the 'Power greater than ourselves' part of the Step, because it smacks too much of God. I on the other hand, have always baulked at the expression 'Higher Power'. For me it was about finding that presence which I name God and/or the Christ. I was too desperate at that time to waste time over the niceties of mere words.  But let me return to that morning when I was told that my work on the first Step was complete, and I could take time out and ponder on Step Two.
          I have to admit that whenever I read those lovely words, "Came to believe" my throat tightens, I need to swallow hard and look away, whilst all the time refusing to deny my helpless gratitude. I have always known from that morning onwards that I was in the Presence of something divine. My repetitive, futile, controlling behaviour was over; that obsessive behaviour that had been bordering on insanity. From all that, as well as from my denial, I had been rescued. Observing the experience of that Presence I was gloriously defenceless. I think in my heart of hearts I had already made my decision about Step Three.       
          When I was young, I was constantly frustrated by my inability to do what I felt I ought to do, whilst at the same time doing what I felt I should not do. Now I began to see that morality was an empty box, a washed-out force. I longed to make changes to my personality that would get me to a point where I could spiritually 'succeed.' What a hopeless task it was; what a foolish goal to pursue; what a pointless aspiration to follow. Gradually I would become aware that changes were happening, not perhaps with my personality, but with my deepest sense of being. It is not an easy thing to describe and write about. I just realised that the changes were taking place without any interference on my part, and at a level deeper than I could consciously reach.

..........It seemed as if there were a light ahead of me which consumed my focus. It was in me yet also beyond me. I could not tell whether it was small, dim and close by, or large, bright and distant. I had no markers by which I could judge. I have never had markers by which I could gauge the proximity of God. I know only that 'It' is immensely yet gently powerful. And for all my planning, I sometimes miss out bits in my life. There is always that Presence that seems to acknowledge my commitment, and fill in the missing bits. So much of that came later, but that was the moment, that morning, to which I trace my resurrected spiritual life.
          I finally learned that logic, reason and rationality were not the name of the game. I needed to believe, trust and for Heaven's sake just try it. When that happened I was repaid with confirmation and a knowing that my commitment had received some justification. It was as if I had stepped into the darkness then, looking back, saw that sturdy, stone slabs had been placed just where my feet were supposed to tread.
          And now I find that I have rushed onwards and outwards, yet I remain here. It is as if I am experiencing the acorn whilst also being the oak tree which it will become. And all the while there are more acorns to come. Then and now; here and there; living within a great paradox in an ever-present future;  I remain, looking at starlight after the intervening clouds have passed away..........