I Don't Know How to Cope

Those of you who read Box Elder, dear Lucy's blog, will have learned of the passing of our lovely Molly. There was another time in my life when I felt powerless to control events, but the unmanageability that had gone with that powerlessness was far more than it is now. At that earlier time, I discovered a belief in a Presence that has sustained me ever since. Yet, still I am intensely aware that my control is strictly limited. And there is a sense of relief in that. But also, I am aware, as on that previous occasion, that it is the thinking function that is affected. I pick up something with the intention of working with it, and I find I cannot remember how. I look around me, expecting something to appear, but it is gone.
So when I sit trying to think, and remembering the past fourteen years, the difficult times as well as the joyful times, I have to let go and rely on that inner Presence to take over. I am not really coping even though that is the condition I broadcast. And then it begins again, that deep pain that must have release, that unashamedly wets my face until its shuddering force is expended. I have never known a grief that is this intense, that leaves me so washed-out. But it will pass. Thankfully, this level of hurt cannot be maintained.
There is a little quirk in me that sees the years that have passed in terms of light and dark. Thus my earliest years are in deepest shadow, until by about seven years old, when daylight appears. My teenage years, indeed into my early twenties, the view is once again in deep shadow. After that there is once again a lightening into a kind of gentle overcast that persists until the stormy years when, unable to see ahead, my spiritual life - such as it was - was torn apart. That is a period in my life for which I am deeply grateful. Nothing but beneficial richness flowed from that encounter with that Divine Presence. First came a new, spiritual awakening, then Lucy and finally Molly. Those at least seem to be the most important events. When I look ahead, to the possibility of years to come, but without Mol, they are nevertheless years that are in bright sunshine.
I, and I know Lucy also, have been deeply touched by the comments that have been submitted on Box Elder. We are deeply grateful to you all. If I were in total control of my inner Self, I would probably not have written this post, have seen yesterday's event and aftermath as being too private and personal to share. I don't know.

          Dear Natalie said that Molly is now in Dog Heaven. This is not the time to debate the verisimilitude of that psycho-spiritual-philosophical concept. You will all have to accept, no question, that God Is. I know this because She has lived with us for the last fourteen years. Now that Her sabbatical has come to an end, I think the current incumbent of the top job (the Boss as Natalie calls him) had best look to his laurels. A reorganisation is about to take place; she had lots of practice down here. So when life gets a little better than we might have a right to expect; when we are confronted with a new joy, feel a happiness that is a little deeper than usual; when the stars are shining a little more brightly than usual, you won't need me to tell you who - at least in part - is responsible. And if you find this post a little too silly and mushy, I can only say in my defence that, besides my heartfelt thanks to you all, it is all I have to offer right now.