Wednesday 9 July 2014

I Don't Know How to Cope

Those of you who read Box Elder, dear Lucy's blog, will have learned of the passing of our lovely Molly. There was another time in my life when I felt powerless to control events, but the unmanageability that had gone with that powerlessness was far more than it is now. At that earlier time, I discovered a belief in a Presence that has sustained me ever since. Yet, still I am intensely aware that my control is strictly limited. And there is a sense of relief in that. But also, I am aware, as on that previous occasion, that it is the thinking function that is affected. I pick up something with the intention of working with it, and I find I cannot remember how. I look around me, expecting something to appear, but it is gone.
So when I sit trying to think, and remembering the past fourteen years, the difficult times as well as the joyful times, I have to let go and rely on that inner Presence to take over. I am not really coping even though that is the condition I broadcast. And then it begins again, that deep pain that must have release, that unashamedly wets my face until its shuddering force is expended. I have never known a grief that is this intense, that leaves me so washed-out. But it will pass. Thankfully, this level of hurt cannot be maintained.
There is a little quirk in me that sees the years that have passed in terms of light and dark. Thus my earliest years are in deepest shadow, until by about seven years old, when daylight appears. My teenage years, indeed into my early twenties, the view is once again in deep shadow. After that there is once again a lightening into a kind of gentle overcast that persists until the stormy years when, unable to see ahead, my spiritual life - such as it was - was torn apart. That is a period in my life for which I am deeply grateful. Nothing but beneficial richness flowed from that encounter with that Divine Presence. First came a new, spiritual awakening, then Lucy and finally Molly. Those at least seem to be the most important events. When I look ahead, to the possibility of years to come, but without Mol, they are nevertheless years that are in bright sunshine.
I, and I know Lucy also, have been deeply touched by the comments that have been submitted on Box Elder. We are deeply grateful to you all. If I were in total control of my inner Self, I would probably not have written this post, have seen yesterday's event and aftermath as being too private and personal to share. I don't know.

          Dear Natalie said that Molly is now in Dog Heaven. This is not the time to debate the verisimilitude of that psycho-spiritual-philosophical concept. You will all have to accept, no question, that God Is. I know this because She has lived with us for the last fourteen years. Now that Her sabbatical has come to an end, I think the current incumbent of the top job (the Boss as Natalie calls him) had best look to his laurels. A reorganisation is about to take place; she had lots of practice down here. So when life gets a little better than we might have a right to expect; when we are confronted with a new joy, feel a happiness that is a little deeper than usual; when the stars are shining a little more brightly than usual, you won't need me to tell you who - at least in part - is responsible. And if you find this post a little too silly and mushy, I can only say in my defence that, besides my heartfelt thanks to you all, it is all I have to offer right now.

14 comments:

  1. Oh, Tom, I am sad to hear that Molly has left. May the bright sunshine comfort you and Lucy and new joy touch you both in the times ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  2. dear tom, i am so so sorry for your loss. words, as usual, fail to express fully how much i wish that there was something i could do. but know that i am thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. All of us would be better off if we weren't afraid to be this 'mushy'. Thank goodness for dogs, who are more fun and less stiff than people. Take care of yourself and each other.

    ReplyDelete
  4. All of us would be better off if we weren't afraid to be this 'mushy'. Thank goodness for dogs, who are more fun and less stiff than people. Take care of yourself and each other.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is the first I've read of your loss and I too send my deepest condolences. As a child I was told by some authority of religion that animals can't go to heaven, to which I answered, 'I want to go wherever they do go'. I still feel the same way, only now I know all of us who have known the powerful love of our animal companions will be there too. May the stars shine ever more brightly on you, dear Tom and Lucy.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am sure that you enriched each other during that intimate triangle you lived for so many years and I feel that if Molly could talk to you both now, Tom and Lucy, she would thank you for having been such good and loving masters and would liberate you from your role of being her human caregivers.
    Bon courage Tom.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So sorry, dear Tom and Lucy, for the loss of your beloved furry friend and family member. Take especial care of each other.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Very sorry to hear of your Molly’s passing after 14 years.
    They say it can be a cathartic experience to write down your experience and share it with others, so it’s good to see you in such fine form,in expressing something deeply personal yet universally apt.
    Best wishes

    ReplyDelete
  9. I suspect the "Big Boss" has had practice over the millennia. Thirteen years ago, a tiny, bossy but sweet feline who had brought light to our lives joined that choir. So many reminders of their love remain to keep us company.
    Thank you for giving in to the impulse to tell us this part of your story Tom.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Tom, I'm so sorry. I took it for granted that Gwynt had gone silent so I didn't try to check until now that there might be some new post from you. Now I'm sad that I didn't respond sooner to your sadness. The loss of Mol struck deep notes in your heart, probably too deep to fully understand. That you are able to experience such deep emotion is surely a blessing and a gift, even if it's a difficult one to possess.
    I imagine that Dog Heaven would be created and illuminated by the love exchanged between all the Mols and their human friends.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am sorry to hear you have had some sadness. My condolences.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Tom, there really is nothing to say but that I share your pain with my own activated on hearing of your loss. All the souls whether four footed or two... I wrote back in 2009 that I was not in a new life beyond the loss but a life in consequence of the loss. That is still true, though even then it was not so dark as that might seem. I loved knowing your Molly was herding you an Lucy. In a soulful way that will continue. She informed you, no doubt.

    ReplyDelete
  13. To everyone who has commented here, my deepest thanks. The contact with you all has been very welcome.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Tom I am late to come here but I read about Molly on Box Elder. I know your grief and can share it. We all share it. With you. I wish I had as many friends as you.

    ReplyDelete