Computer Down

           For the three weeks leading up to the writing of my previous post, I was without a computer; it had simply died. It took three weeks to research, buy and have installed, the present model. Elsewhere, I have described that period as one resembling being in a state dementia. I am going to address the memory of that experience again with the intention of deepening my understanding of the sense of loss I felt, and how that apparent loss could shape what is yet to come.

          Very largely, I use my computer as a word processor and filing cabinet. Almost all that is stored in the memory banks relates to the studies I have carried out over the years on my internal life. When I discovered that I no longer had access to that store, I felt an intense sense of grief for the loss for my memory. A very large part of what I thought to be me was gone. I don't know whether sufferers of dementia feel that way, and I would not choose to downplay their experiences in any way. I do not suffer from dementia and am, therefore, unable to relate directly to those who do. 

          When I looked into the emptiness of where my memory had resided, and at the blank screen staring at me from my desk top, I had to admit that I --- some essential awareness of me --- was still alive and functioning. As time passed, that very obvious conclusion took on a new, or perhaps rediscovered, meaning. Not only am I decidedly not my body, my thoughts or my emotions, but neither am I my memories.

          Although I could no longer recall the details of what I had written over the years, I was still 'me'. What was also puzzling was that when asked by my installer what the names of some of my files and folders were, I could not answer. The fact is that when I look for the information I need, I do not 'see' the file name as meaning very much in relation to its contents. What I 'see' is a word-shape. And how does one communicate the 'shape' of a word devoid of any intellectual content? It is similar to the experience of viewing a word and knowing it has been spelled incorrectly, without actually knowing at first inspection what is wrong. It is simply a series of almost, but not quite, familiar shapes. 

          I hope this experience will stay with me, and that I will never again build that same kind of associative, almost egoistic, bond with my computer. For now I am determined to ensure that I update --- at frequent intervals --- my external hard drive. I have to say that it's good to have a working computer again!

Coming Back

           As once again I put virtual pen to paper, I wonder why I feel the need to respond to the urge to write. It has now been some nineteen months, or thereabouts, since last I put my thoughts on "paper". So why now? There are still a number of valid reasons why I should stay with my decision to stop writing so, again I ask myself, "Why?" In truth, I cannot fully answer that question, I can only offer a trigger that has fired my urge to write once more. There are a number of personal benefits to be gained from turning back to GWYNT, but the trigger lies in another's post.

          On Wednesday, 25 August 2021, my good friend Deanna quoted, in a post entitled "Entering the Arena" [Two Spirits - One Halle], the following comment from the New Morning Sun - Blue Rodeo 

"If we walk away, then we walk away never knowing what we could have done."

          It has been said that people with my personality type get to the ends of their lives saying, "I should have done more." I do not wish, when that day comes for me, to add the judgement, "I could  have done more, but chose not to do so." I have, therefore, chosen to come back and write, at least for a while longer.

          Some would say that in order to pursue a 'spiritual' life one needs an external teacher. This has always seemed to be false to me, having too many overtones of guru-ic control and manipulation. And what happens, for example, if one desires an external teacher but no such teacher is available? I can find no worthwhile answer to this question, particularly as there is always an internal teacher who can become available. Or perhaps I should say that an internal teacher will speak to one, if communication is truly requested. This access is one of the most important personal spiritual benefits of which I am aware. Who else can place those words on my lips, or in my finger tips, about which I will later ask, "Where did that wonderful phrase, those uplifting words, come from?"

Humanity's Need

These twelve Jesus sent out, instructing them as follows: "Do not make your way to gentile territory, and do not enter any Samaritan town; go instead to the lost sheep of the House of Israel." (Matthew 10:6)

For a man who spent much of his time in the company of those on the fringes of society, or with the underclass such as tax gatherers and prostitutes, as well as with people in various states of immorality, the statement in Matt. 10:6 appears to be a somewhat heartless, unkind injunction to 'the twelve.'
          In my earlier post, "Still Scratching the Surface of Christianity" I quoted a comment by Bart D. Ehrman, the author of, "Lost Scriptures" in which he points out certain emphases in contrast such as those who can understand and those who cannot; between knowledge that is exoteric (available to all) and that which is esoteric (available only to insiders); between the immature outsiders (regular Christians, symbolically called "Hebrews") and the mature insiders (Gnostics, symbolically called "Gentiles").
          If one now applies that comment to the text quoted above, a meaning can emerge which is more in tune with what we read of Jesus' character. There would be little if any point in preaching the 'good news' or gnosis to the gentiles as they were already in possession of gnosis. Similarly, why waste time in Samaritan towns where gnosis (albeit mixed with a degree of error) was already present? They had already been awakened. It was the 'lost sheep' of the House of Israel, the unenlightened, literalist Hebrews, who needed to become enlightened to the true meaning of scripture, to refrain from 'taking things as read.'
          It was then, and still is now, important to change our way of thinking, or repent as both Jesus the Christ and John the Baptist often said. The principle of repentance and the acquisition of gnosis applies just as much in other fields, such as science, psychology, politics  as it does in more religious and psychospiritual areas of endeavour. The time is here when we must search beyond the forms of the realist universe around us, to gain fresh understanding, wisdom, and gnosis, if we are to meet the needs of humanity. Whether the news out there is good or bad, we need to listen and to hear.

In Truth and in Error

Now why would I be interested in knowing where I stand on the spectrum of exoteric to esoteric knowledge? (See previous post.) I am interested because I need to know against what background I am living my life. I have spent too much time trying to adjust my inner life to what I have perceived to be my outer reality. I need continually to change my external life to conform to my inner reality.
          At this point I intend to become a little metaphysically creative. I will dispense, if I can, with the crutches of logic and rationality and, instead, try to use my imagination and intuition in my task, for I reason that it is consistency (or steadfast adherence to) that is key to determining some measure of truth.
          Now in the Holy Land the River Jordan, symbolising the flow of life within the psyche/spirit, first passes in its upper regions through the area of Galilee. This is the area in which Jesus the Christ is reported to have carried out his ministry. The key words here are 'upper' and 'Christ', for they can be said to relate to the Real-Higher-Christ-Self. In contrast to that the River Jordan at its lower end flows through the desert of Judea and into the Dead Sea. This of course is the region in which John the Baptist, the earthier relative of Jesus, carried out his mission. The key words here are 'lower' (or perhaps ego), 'relative' and 'dead', for they in their turn can be said to relate to the Lower-Self.  Metaphysically, 'dead' means spiritually unenlightened The Lower-Self has often been seen as a reflection, a virtual image of the True-Self and thus indissolubly linked or related to it.
          Between the two regions of Galilee and Judea lies the country of Samaria. Metaphysically Samaria represents a state of consciousness in which Truth and Error are mixed, the Samaritans signifying mixed thoughts, partly worldly and partly spiritual.
          So I think it is in this in-between land, looking both towards Judea and Galilee but never simultaneously, and where I must remain awake and stand watch in the metaphysical 'Watchtower of Samaria', that my I-self finds its inner life located; partly worldly and partly spiritual; partly in possession of Truth and partly in Error.

Still Scratching the Surface of Christianity

It is a new year, 2020. Yet whatever is going on inside me in this moment has its origins in all my pasts, and its fulfillment will be in all my futures. What is happening is part of a process of becoming or indeed many processes, perhaps. It does not restrict itself to a timeline defined by numbers, but only by changes in awareness, and those changes, that movement, is vital.
          Of late, I have been increasingly drawn to the study of the Nag Hammadi scriptures, and through that towards a renewed interest in orthodox, Christian scriptures. The distinction between the two sets of writings is blurring and beginning to fade. And this is right and appropriate. Perhaps and finally, I am beginning to scratch significantly, the surface of real Christianity. (Ref. my blog post of 27.4.2013, "L'Abbaye de Boquen.") Again, I find myself needing to write to clarify my thoughts, and to answer some impulse within me. It seems to offer me no rest, yet I feel that I am the least able person to express something that seems to be so far beyond me and my abilities to express what I might understand. However, I must at least try.
          I will begin with the Gospel of Philip, for no other reason than that it insists on drawing my attention to itself. So:-

The Gospel of Philip (Coptic Text: NHC II,3: 51,29 - 86,19)

In the introductory remarks of this gnostic gospel the authour of "Lost Scriptures", Bart D. Ehrman, points out certain emphases in contrast such as those who can understand and those who cannot; between knowledge that is exoteric (available to all) and that which is esoteric (available only to insiders); between the immature outsiders (regular Christians, symbolically called "Hebrews") and the mature insiders (Gnostics, symbolically called "Gentiles").
          Those who do not understand, the outsiders with only exoteric knowledge, err in many of their judgements -- for example, in taking such notions as the virgin birth or the resurrection of Jesus as literal statements of historical fact, rather than symbolic expressions of deeper truths.

          The first question that arises for me, and one to which I need give answer, concerns my place on the spectrum of exoteric/esoteric knowledge. That will begin to be addressed in my next post.

What Colossal Spiritual Forces

          When I review my experience of meditation, I am drawn to the conclusion that as one rises up through the levels of meditation experience, one notices something rather interesting. As projection follows projection, the experience acquires characteristics appropriate to that level of the experience. Compared with the mysterious ultimate these characteristics may seem to be like contaminants being absorbed by the spirit. More than that, they influence how we think and feel about matters of the spirit. Perhaps one of those contaminants, or acquired characteristics, is that what was an experiential process at the deepest levels becomes personalised at the higher levels, such as God as a loving father, God as a vengeful judge, or perhaps the Christ as a near human being.  Thus an experience which is without form at the deepest levels acquires or takes on a humanoid form, but one not yet fully human, as one heads to surface consciousness. Finally, a fully human form is experienced as recorded in myths, legends and spiritual/philosophical writings such as the Bible.
          Without these humanised allusions to the everyday world around us, I seriously wonder whether it could ever be possible to cope with the enormity of absolute truth, with the enormity of the naked Godhead. Maybe as creatures at our present phase of evolution we are simply not ready. Perhaps we still need the parable, the 'as if' approach to understanding that which is inherently not understandable in order to cope with the apparent, virtual realities of life. We live at the centre of paradox which may always remain thus.
           Space-time is a powerful concept, almost overpowering in its implications. Yet if the space-time continuum is a projection of some deeper psycho-spiritual, timeless continuum, then the latter must be at least as powerful as the former continuum. Every thought, every emotion, every feeling and experience would cause a warping in the psycho-spiritual continuum. All subsequent experiences would be affected by those warps just as the 'contaminants' mentioned above influence our responses to experiential phenomena.
          I must remember to try to imagine what that means: try to imagine what colossal spiritual forces are hidden in our minds, beyond our understanding and, I suppose, our imaginings.
          I am aware that this post must come across as rather disjointed and perhaps confusing. I am also aware that I need to get these musings recorded before I lose them. Such as they are, therefore, they represent my efforts to confront some kind of inner reality that seems to insist on remaining hidden.

I Will Return

          There is darkness through which I move.....vast planes of darkness which slide and intersect each other, that intersect with me.....yet we are one.....we are the Abyss.
          I am alone.....and I question endlessly, yet am content.....stars which are not, flow down and through my fingers and hands which I have not.
          There is energy and power.....overwhelming in their intensity.....yet I am safe; I am unconcerned.
          There is no light, yet I see. I am alone, yet I am not lonely. I am so young, yet have had my being forever. I know not, yet do not need to know, but I ask.....endlessly I ask.....and I live and move.
          I must return.....I must pass down the valley.....die into the world of the physical for a little while longer. And I must remember, for I will return to a where that is nowhere.....for I AM.